Smashing Inside Sales, Part 5: Building Rapport
How to Turn a Voice in your Headset into your Friend
This article is part of a 6-part series called Smashing Inside Sales, a guide to making it rain in inside sales!!
Part 1: An Introduction to Phone Sales
Part 2: Open, Problem, Solution, Close
Part 3: Inner Game (In progress…)
Part 4: Objections and Frame Control (In progress…)
Part 5: Building Rapport
Part 6: Cognitive Tricks (In progress…)
Rapport is the bedrock foundation of most relationships, personal and professional. We don’t hang out with people we don’t have rapport with, we don’t love working with people we don’t have rapport with, and we would strongly prefer not to do business with people we don’t have some degree of rapport with.
The ability to quickly build rapport will earn you real friends, fake friends, status, attention, connections, and, most definitely, sales. Don’t have the ability to build rapport? You’ll still get sales here and there, sure; there are a handful of folks that are so logical they couldn’t care less about rapport because they just want the goods after you explain how the solution fits their needs. But these prospects are very much in the minority…if you want to be a versatile, top performer, you need to know how to build rapport with anyone that picks up the phone, no matter who they are, in seconds. They have to immediately feel that they know you and that they can trust you.
This section covers the science of rapport and how to build rapport when you’re selling someone over the phone. Let’s begin by understanding the basics of rapport, and then dig into how rapport is built over the phone.
So let’s get into it! Here’s a birds-eye view of this section:
The Basics of Rapport
A. Why Rapport is Important
B. Defining Rapport
C. Matching and Mirroring
D. Surface Communication and Deep Structure
Matching and Mirroring Surface Communication
A. Why it’s Important
B. How to Do it
Matching and Mirroring Deep Structure
A. Why it’s Important
B. How to Do it
🤝 The Basics of Rapport
A. Why Rapport is Important
Rapport is important for one reason: it helps build trust.
Don’t forget what field you’re in. You’re in Telemarketing. Telemarketing. “Trust” is not the first thought that comes to mind when you hear “telemarketing.” The average person’s first thoughts are “junk call,” “pushy,” and “no thanks.”
Whether it’s deserved or not, telemarketing has an image problem, and people will bring that judgment to your call resulting in one of two outcomes:
- They want to hang up immediately.
- They’re curious, but not convinced the call is worth their time.
Sure, Offering Value immediately and busting out a suite of Cognitive Tricks will help keep the prospect’s attention once you have it. But how does a salesperson get their attention in the first place? Being in rapport the very moment they hear your voice— being likeable, being agreeable, being familiar, being trustworthy — will make it much harder for the prospect to hang up on you. This makes the ability to build Rapport a superpower worth having.
That said…how’s this Rapport thing work?
B. Defining Rapport
Merriam-Webster defines rapport as…
“a friendly, harmonious relationship; especially : a relationship characterized by agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy that makes communication possible or easy”
Let’s break this definition down.
a friendly, harmonious relationship
The first part of the definition is the basic, very general definition of rapport: it’s having a relationship with someone who treats you with respect (friendly) and doesn’t cause too much drama (harmonious). This part of the definition describes what rapport actually is, on a surface-level. Unlike the second definition:
a relationship characterized by agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy that makes communication possible or easy
This part of the definition describes why rapport exists in a relationship. It finds a relationship with rapport as…
a relationship characterized by
(1) agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy
(2) that makes communication possible or easy
Got it. So, two things here, then. Rapport…
(2) makes communication possible or easy
Yep, we know the ultimate effect of rapport is easy, effortless communication with people. But how??? The key to this is:
(1) agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy
Again, that’s agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy. In other words, Similarity. Similarity is why we trust each other. It’s why you and your best friend get along. It’s why a prospect will trust a stranger enough to buy from them.
If similarity is at the heart of rapport, then building rapport is simulating similarity. In sales, simulating similarity is achieved by Matching and Mirroring aspects of communication. Let’s learn about this next.
C. Matching and Mirroring
Matching and Mirroring is very simple: you listen to how a person speaks, you speak how they speak to you, you earn trust by seeming familiar to them. It’s really that easy. And it’s a process used by the best of the best. Here’s the guru himself, Tony Robbins, on the magic that is Matching and Mirroring:
You may have read articles in magazines for years now that prescribe safe, inaccurate advice like “smile,” “be friendly”, and “dress well” to make a good impression in front of people. This is all bullshit. I mean, do you really think smiling and being all chipper and upbeat is going to work with a hardened, jaded, sarcastic crowd? No. Do you think dressing well is going to work inside a biker bar where everyone’s got leather vests and tattoos? Obviously not. Both crowds will think you don’t “get” them, because you’re not in sync with them. Now, will the advice work when meeting a group of people that are also smiling, friendly, and well-dressed? Yes!
That’s because the better advice on building Rapport is to Match and Mirror. The better advice is to be a social chameleon. Match and Mirror, seem familiar, earn trust. It’s that simple.
Match and Mirror, seem familiar, earn trust.
It’s. really. that. simple.
This doesn’t mean you should toss out all the skills you’ve used before when it comes to making friends. Still remain socially in tune, still make people laugh, etc. But also Match and Mirror. In particular, Match and Mirror for two components of communication we’ll learn about called Surface Communication and Deep Structure.
D. Surface Communication and Deep Structure
Human communication, for the scope of this sales training discussion, can be understood to be comprised of two components: Surface Communication and Deep Structure. Together, Surface Communication and Deep Structure make up our outwards facing communication.
Surface Communication refers to what we objectively hear or see when one communicates. For example:
- Body Language
- Verbals
- Tonality
Deep Structure refers to all thoughts, experiences, values, beliefs, feelings, associations, etc. that give meaning to one’s surface communication. These are things that live inside a person’s head. Here’s a list of what that could include:
- Beliefs
- Feelings
- Values
- Biases
- Motivations
- Experiences
- Metaprograms
These are a bit harder to put your finger on than just the tonality of a person’s voice, right? We’ll learn how to read a person’s deep structure later, diving particularly deep into their Metaprograms.
Surface Communication and Deep Structure together comprise a prospect’s outwards facing communication. For example, if the prospect lets out a long, drawn out sigh, that’s the surface communication expression of their deep structure of being bored, exhausted, etc. Or, if the prospect starts to speed up their voice, that could be the surface communication expression of their deep structure of getting very excited about a topic! Or being in a rush to get off the phone... It’s your experience that’ll help you detect nuances like this, and it’s experience that’ll help you detect when surface communication doesn’t match deep structure (i.e. they’re lying). Experience earned by making lots of calls and learning from every call.
With that said, let’s dive deeper into how prospects convey Surface Communication over the phone, first. Then, we’ll go into Deep Structure.
🗣 Matching and Mirroring Surface Communication
Before we begin, remember that Surface Communication refers to what we objectively hear or see when one communicates. Examples include Body Language, Verbals and Tonality.
A. Why it’s Important
You might be wondering at this point, “why are we dissecting every little piece of communication so much? Surface Communication, Deep Structure…dude I’m a normal person who can make friends easy why do I have to nerd out and go Beautiful Mind over someone’s voice?” In other words, why is Matching and Mirroring Surface Communication important?
Good question. Because NOT building Rapport triggers a Flight Response, because they don’t like their idea of you. It’s not that they don’t like you…but they don’t like their idea of you. Let’s get into more detail.
“Not building Rapport triggers a Flight Response…
Ever heard of the Fight-or-Flight response? Like how when animals see a threat, they either fight it or they run away?
Well, hearing a voice that is clearly a phone salesperson’s triggers a flight response for our prospect. And they immediately hang up.
It’s not a secret people don’t like sales calls. And if people can hear a bad in-person sales pitch from 200 miles away, then people can hear a bad telemarketer from 5 continents away. That’s because the typical, shitty telemarketer is using their own voice on every single call and making absolutely zero effort to blend in with the prospect. Their voice starts off alien to the prospect, the prospect hears an unfamiliar person on the other end and doesn’t trust it, and in no time they’ve hung up. It’s as simple as that.
But why don’t they trust someone who doesn’t sound like them? Well, “Not building Rapport triggers a Flight Response…
…because they don’t like their idea of you.”
Give this “hello” a listen:
It’s not hard to construct a general idea of the gender and racial makeup of this person, is it? Not really. It might not be accurate, but it could be close enough.
In fact whether you know it or not, you’ve already constructed an idea of what this person looks like and who they are. It’s totally based in stereotypes and versions of the person you’ve heard in movies and TV, yes, but you still construct an idea of how they look, where they might live, who they are as people, what brands they may wear, etc.
They’re doing the same unconscious calculations on you at the beginning of the call, too. And, if you don’t shape their idea of you as positively as possible — if you don’t Match and Mirror for Surface Communication — you’re going to trigger a Flight response in them because you’re not familiar to them, and they’ll hang up.
Side note: people do have preconceived notions about race. Indian people, Black people, White people, Hispanic people, Asian people, everybody else…every original, mint condition, first edition of a race will sound differently speaking English. And because people can’t help but bring stereotypes into their judgment of people, any positive and negative misconceptions will affect your call. Best sharpen up the voice you need to succeed. 🤷♂ 🤷♀
So, don’t forget that NOT building Rapport triggers a Flight Response, because they don’t like their idea of you.
But enough with the theory! Let’s learn how to Match and Mirror for Surface Communication.
B. How to Do it
When we say we’re Matching and Mirroring for Surface Communication, what does that mean? Well, Surface Communication as I mentioned, refers to what we objectively hear or see when one communicates, like Body Language, Verbals, and Tonality.
Body Language is out of the picture, so Verbals (the words they’re using) and Tonality (how they speak) is all we have to go on. Tonality can be divided into smaller categories, like:
Tempo — the speed of the voice
Volume — how loud the voice is
Pitch — how high or low the voice is
Lucky for us, every call begins with a goldmine of information for us to Match and Mirror: a hello.
Listen to our previous “hello” and some others here. The verbals are all the same, but listen for differences in Tempo, Volume, and Pitch.
Different, huh? Each call paints an entirely different picture of each person, for me. They take me to different households, different cities, different neighborhoods, Most importantly, they take me to different personalities, informing me of how I should be be speaking to them, so I can simulate similarity and earn trust by way of Matching and Mirroring.
Like, is their voice fast and high pitched? You respond fast and high pitched. Is it low and slow? You respond low and slow. You should be thinking of what voice you’re going to use the moment they say “hello”, and never break out of that voice. This is how you’re going to earn a small chunk of trust in the first seconds of a call, enough to significantly reduce the likelihood of triggering that Flight response that results in a hang up. Just as when I wrote earlier that the prospect sharing their Problem with you was like them giving you the answer key to the sale, the prospect is basically giving you the answer to how you can relate to them when they’re speaking.
Here’s the same “hello’s” above, with how I’d respond over the phone, matching and mirroring for Tempo, Volume, Pitch:
Fun stuff!!
Using your voice this way will probably be unnatural at first, but you should catch on quick. Don’t forget — along the course of your life, you’ve heard a lot of people speak. Think about how many people you’ve ever heard speak in a movie, on the news, in a YouTube video, or in-person. You’ve got an enormous catalog of voices in your head, and though you don’t think about it every day, it’s sitting in there ready to be accessed. Tap into that catalog as you use different voices for different prospects.
Use Matching and Mirroring to make it seem it’s the prospect’s buddy or business partner or brother/sister that’s giving them a call, not a complete stranger who just interrupted their day. As you get better at listening to people’s Verbals, Tempo, Volume, and Pitch to practice your parroting skills, you’ll become more believable over time and be able to simulate similarity better and better. You’ll also see patterns in personalities and be able to imitate those better. That’s all there is to Matching and Mirroring Surface Communication.
As the call progresses you’ll discover more about the prospect’s deep structure. And that’s an opportunity to build a type of rapport particularly important to making a sale happen.
👨👈 Matching and Mirroring Deep Structure
A. Why it’s Important
Remember that Deep Structure refers to all thoughts, experiences, values, beliefs, feelings, associations, etc. that give meaning to one’s surface communication. A prospect’s deep structure can be seen as comprised of their Beliefs, Orientations, Feelings, Values, Biases, Motivations, Experiences, Metaprograms, really anything floating around in their head. 👩 👈
That’s kind of a mouthful, right? I know. Thankfully, whether or not you’re aware, you use these every day. Look around your friend circle. Your work group. Your family. Chances are high that the people you feel closest to — your best friends — probably match with you on a handful of these components. Outdoorsy, independent, college-educated, adventurous, and risk-prone? You’re probably not hanging out with an introvert who didn’t graduate college and is scared of the world. Have the experience of 20 years in tech, either always in front of a computer clacking away or in front of a tv screen playing video games? Chances are high your close friends share similar experiences in life and they “get” you for the life you’ve lived.
By knowing a prospect’s Deep Structure components like their Experience or their Values, you can better adjust your pitch to your prospect. Let’s now learn how to pick up on Deep Structure over the phone, and how to Match and Mirror for it.
B. How to Do it
As I mentioned earlier Deep Structure includes a persons Beliefs, Feelings, Values, Biases, Motivations, Experiences, and Metaprograms. Let’s take a look at some examples of Deep Structure and how to Match and Mirror for it.
- Beliefs — A real estate prospect says he doesn’t think beachhouse homes are practical. You can Match and Mirror that Belief by saying, yeah, they can be gorgeous but insurance is too high and it’s just not worth it.
- Feelings — Learning to read Feelings, Emotional Intelligence essentially, is harder to teach than the rest of Deep Structure. It can definitely be learned and probably be taught, but that’s volumes of body language information that you should look elsewhere to learn. If this is a sticking point for you try spending more time around people or watching YouTube interviews of different celebrities, musicians, scientists, all kinds of people. Every video will enrich your understanding of how people sound when they feel a certain way.
- Values — A prospect says she wants a product that makes life safer for their family and that’s the most important thing to them. You can Match and Mirror that Value by emphasizing the security your product/service provides and how it protects families.
- Biases — A prospect makes a slightly negative/positive remark about something. You can Match and Mirror that Bias. It really doesn’t matter what it is…if they say “I’m not a fan of pickles,” you can say “Pickles are awful, I agree.”
- Motivations — A business owner says he’s concerned about saving/making money and the product/service user says he’s concerned with saving time. You can Match and Mirror that Value by emphasizing the savings of time to the user and emphasizing the savings in money to the business owner.
- Experiences — A business owner says he’s pounded the pavement for 5 years until he started to make any money. Well….you can’t really Match and Mirror an Experience like this. In fact it could be offensive to even pretend you know what they went through. In this case I’d ask them a question (with very genuine curiosity) about their experience so they sense you appreciate exactly how much work it took to get where they are today.
- Metaprograms — Let’s take a second to talk about Metaprograms.
Metaprograms are cognitive and emotional processes that may be conscious or unconscious. They determine what we do and what we expect others will or should do. They’re relevant to you because they can clue you into a prospect’s framework for decisionmaking, giving you an opportunity to adjust to that framework accordingly.
There are plenty of metaprograms, so this can get hairy fast. Here’s 4 popular ones:
- Toward/Away
a) What one will get, have, gain, do or achieve
i.e. “I want to grow my business fast, there’s money to be made!!!”
b) What one wants to avoid, not do, or not have happen
i.e. “I want to be careful with my growth, avoiding mistakes”
- These prospects are coming from different places and so we need to be appropriately very excited and quick or very cautious and deliberate when we speak and describe our product/service. - Internal/External
a) A person judges what is right, wrong, or appropriate according to his or her own personal statements
i.e. “Our system is special, what works for others won’t work for us”
b) A person judges what is right, wrong, or appropriate according to established standards or what other people might think or determine
i.e. “Product/Service X is whatever everyone else uses so we use that”
- Again these prospects are coming from different places and so we need to speak to them appropriately. For prospect A, I’d emphasize that the product/service is not one-size-fits-all, it’s customized in x, y, z ways. For prospect B, I’d brag about all the people/companies using our product/service so they’re in great company. - Self/Others
a) What’s in it for me? How will it benefit me?
i.e. “How does this make us money, that’s all I want to hear”
b) How will it benefit others? How will it influence them?
i.e. “Is this ethical/responsible/fair?”
- These are self-explanatory. For prospect A, I’d stick to money, growth or whatever they’re after and how our product/service is going to help them get it. For prospect B, I’d show how them how the product/service is whatever they’re looking for. - Facts (Specific)/Concepts (General)
a) A preference for details and concrete
i.e. “Wait how much are you going to save me per unit? And what is the cost per year? How much do I save if I go on the Premium plan?”
b) A preference for ideas and principles with an emphasis on the total picture
i.e. “It needs to push us forward, it needs to keep us above sea, that’s what’s important to me.”
- While these lines may not be in the same context, you get the idea. Some people are about the hard data, others are about the storytelling. Match and Mirror to the Metaprogram.
Pretty granular, huh? Again, this is probably stuff you’re subconsciously listening to and reacting to anyways. But to know exactly what you’re hearing and how to react is empowering as it places it all into a repeatable framework that repeatedly yields rapport and, so, sales.
And, hey — if you draw a blank on all other components of deep structure, there’s always assumptions to fall back on 🤷♂ 🤷♀
My observations and vocabulary in this section are based heavily in Neuro-linguistic Programming, a field of science on communication. I read The Winning Edge: Effective Communication and Persuasion Techniques for Lawyers for a course in law school and it served as a terrific deep-dive on the topic if you’re curious for more.
Closing Thoughts
Slicing and dicing communication into parts might seem…bizarre.
But knowing how to categorize anything that comes out of the prospect’s mouth, whether through the tips in this section or by your own natural talent, is what all successful salespeople do. If you don’t happen to have that talent off the bat, my hope is that this article can get you started on understanding the science of Rapport.
Also: I’ve placed this section after the section on handling objections and controlling frame because, in my opinion, being in control of the call is far, far more important than having excellent rapport with the lead. I emphasize this because before I got into sales I had it backwards; I used to think I wouldn’t make a sale if I wasn’t super tight with them. I discovered much later that having the sales process down and having strong inner game were both more important to the sale than building outstanding rapport. And by “more important to the sale”, I mean that as in how food is “more important to life” than sex, but they’re both pretty fucking important.
Now! Onwards to our final chapter on cognitive tricks! If we’ve been learning how to ride the skateboard and ollie, cognitive tricks are the kickflips, acting as an introduction to advanced techniques.
Jump to another article in this series:
Part 1: An Introduction to Phone Sales
Part 2: Open, Problem, Solution, Close
Part 3: Inner Game (In progress…)
Part 4: Objections and Frame Control (In progress…)
Part 5: Building Rapport
Part 6: Cognitive Tricks (In progress…)
